Mind, a Sanctuary and Soul, the Lost Child

After spending time with my peers, I can’t but find my heart to harden. I have this tightness within my chest whenever I hang out with them. Because inevitably one ends up talking and laughing…and possibly talking and laughing more than required.

It really is an empty feeling and that time spent seems so empty, lost and ugly. So despicable that you do not cherish it anymore. A conversation which only dealt with this Dunia. I met them for the Sake of Allah SWT but forgot Him in the conversation. And I spent 2-3 hours just like that…

Seems almost like a major disloyalty. It is, isn’t it? On top of that, at that very moment the Angel of Death was seeking someone else’s soul while I was happily chatting away. What if I had died right there and then?

Spending time with family and sisters-in-Islam is something encouraged. However, one shouldn’t forget the One who encouraged all these beautiful aspects of Deen. Sadly, as much as I want to…I’m not a devout person who dedicates her time wisely to ‘Ibadaat which is why I should be all the more worried. If I’m not doing anything good then at least I shouldn’t waste away the blessing of time.

Sometimes one gets hurled into this tornado of people and it is so difficult to come back out. Because of whatever reasons, you do have to meet so many people and you no longer have time for contemplation…for purifying your heart…that you forget yourselves and neglect your soul in the process. It’s like you’re screaming to everyone that ‘I’m there for you’ but you are not listening to your own soul crying out for help. That sort of puts into perspective why Allah SWT says repeatedly in the Quraan that one who transgresses the limits of Allah SWT and/or forgets Him has indeed done Dhulm to himself/herself. It does not affect Allah SWT one bit.

There are also times when I don’t want my mind to be for anyone. I’m just too protective of it. It’s only for Allah SWT. So when you engage with people on a daily basis at a massive level, thoughts linger and you cannot get rid of them…subhanAllah, now I can actually recognize the Fawa’id of isolation and taffakur. And sometimes people say things to you that you have to bear with strength. It’s also strange how people are so ready to misinterpret what you’re trying to say and try to always look at the deeper ‘sarcastic’ double-meaning to it.  SubhanAllah, why do people want to be so complicated? Therefore, these accumulate like dirt onto my poor heart. Nobody’s going to bear the burden of my lost heart. Why then behave like they will?

I have to learn to balance everything and it’s always a challenge…

Need to re-align my focus towards the Qiblah. And the best way to do it is by being quiet so that I can listen to my soul and pacify it…for it seems like it’s been asking for my attention for a long time now. Soul first, people later.

May Allah SWT forgive me and help me forgive myself…Ameen.

And Allah SWT knows best.

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