It’s THAT time of the Year

And whosoever repents and does righteous good deeds, then verily, he repents towards Allâh with true repentance. And those who do not witness to falsehood, and if they pass by some evil play or evil talk, they pass by it with dignity.And those who, when they are reminded of the Ayât (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.) of their Lord, fall not deaf and blind thereat. And those who say: “Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives(spouses) and our offspring the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders for the Muttaqûn” (pious).” Those will be rewarded with the highest place (in Paradise) because of their patience. Therein they shall be met with greetings and the word of peace and respect. Abiding therein; excellent it is as an abode, and as a place to dwell.

[Surah Al Furqan, 25:71-75]

***

 Asalamoalaykum warahmatullah,

It’s that wonderful time of the year when you get invitations and abundance of good news from all corners of the world, north,west, south, east. Mashaa’Allah tabarakAllah. All Praise belongs to Allah SWT who spreads happiness everywhere with such extreme Genorisity regardless of what big sinners we are. Alhamdolilah. We pray that these forms of blessings become a means of hidaya for all of us.

It makes me over joyous to hear some of my friends with whom I spent over 11 years of my life in school, getting engaged, married, some on the verge of motherhood and some mashaa’Allah mothers! Isn’t that amazing? Especially since these very friends of mine used to consume junk food and now they complain regarding their kids not eating healthy. Makes me laugh. How one’s mentality changes when Allah SWT blesses one with another role is simply amazing. SubhanAllah!

May Allah SWT bless these ladies and their families with the bestest of His Treasures in this dunia and Akhira.Ameen.

Speaking of weddings, I recently attended one and that killed the sleep of my last few nights. I’m not exaggerating when I’m saying that. This brings me to the topic that I would like to address since many of my acquaintances are engaged and will be married soon. However, sadly they do not know that even though getting married is highly recommended in Islam – one should not start off this by His Disobedience. I’m going to spare the conversations I’ve had with people to convince them. At the same time, I believe in giving the benefit of the doubt because many ladies want to have a halal wedding but they have external pressures.

Anyway, pre-wedding time should not be spent frivolously floating in the air and shopping extravagantly. That goes for women AND men. One should educate oneself with the million responsibities one is going to now deal with. The Commands of Allah SWT should be well ingrained in one’s mind before stepping into any new phase of their life so that everything that they do doesn’t lose its barakah.

Now my aim is to point out the mistakes which are common in weddings of even those Muslims who we see as practising. Naturally then,  there is little awareness about this issue and I hope I can clarify a few things from what I’ve seen happening around me. Inshaa’Allah all will be in the light of Islam minus my personal opinions on the Islamic verdict.

***

1. Mixing of Opposite Genders

–Problem: Please, your cousins are your non-Mahrams even if you don’t feel that way. Your friends’ husbands are your non-Mahrams. Married men old,young etc. are your non-Mahrams. Male photographers are non-Mahram. Keep them OUT of your wedding. At the same time, you can’t have Mahrams around if you’re inviting your friends to your wedding party in the same area.

–Solution: If you’re not doing this in the Masjid (although that is the ideal place to do this), have the organizers divide the room by putting a removable wall or poles on which at least curtains can be hung. This way a segragated wedding can very happily be done. Make sure though, to prevent fitna, have different entrances for men and women. I’m sure we all know about those creepy brothers who hang around the entrances to have a sneak peek. And some creepy sisters exist too. Just make it nice and easy.

2. Music and Singing

–Problem: I don’t want to dwell on those who put on music. They can search and find out it’s clearly haram, hands down. BUT, I’m concerned with some practising Muslims who in an effort to replace music, take on other weird things. Nasheeds with music = music. Using daff to sing indecent songs which talk about haram love etc. … well have a look at the islamic verdict below. And Allah SWT knows best.

–Islamic Verdict: [to read more about this, please click here]

Shaykh ‘Abd al-‘Azeez ibn Baaz (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

Rather the concession allowing women to use the daff is for them only. With regard to men, it is not permissible for them to do any of that, whether on weddings or on other occasions. Rather Allaah has prescribed for men to train in the instruments of war and skills needed for battle, such as shooting and horse riding, and competing in that.

[Majallat al-Jaami’ah al-Islamiyyah (Magazine of the Islamic University in al-Madeenah al-Munawwarah), 3rd edition, 2nd year, Muharram, 1390 AH, p. 185, 186]

With regard to weddings, it is prescribed to beat the daff and sing regular songs which do not call for or praise anything that is haraam. This is to be done at night, by women only, to announce the wedding and to emphasize the difference between this legitimate marriage and zina (adultery) which is done in secret, as was narrated in the saheeh Sunnah from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him).

–Alternative Solution: Have a quizzes night! Yes! You want entertainment, right? Get a good MC (not a weirdo) and ask him/her to engage the audience in halal games such as answering Islamic questions regarding the Seerah. It’ll be not only fun, it’ll be halal too inshaa’Allah. A woman for women and a man for men. Or better still, have a lecture delivered on the Islamic fiqh of marriage. That’s one topic the whole ummah loves to read about and listen to. Really, if you want people to come to a seminar, make the topic about marriage. SubhanAllah. This way you get the reward for getting all people their dose of knowledge. How cool is that?

3. Extravagance before wedding and during wedding

–Problem: This issue makes me laugh because it reminds me of a very annoying conversation I had with a sister in which I actually zipped my mouth. Because it is useless to waste one’s time with those who have their basics confused. May Allah SWT give me hikmah and hidaya to convey His Message.Ameen.  Honestly, in the time we are in today, we do not really know the real definition of extravagance. What is mere ‘need of the time’ if seen by the lens of what Allah SWT has ordained for us, is really by all angles extravagance.

–Islamic Verdict: [to read rest of the fatwa, please click here]

6- People should avoid spending extravagantly or going to extremes in showing off in wedding parties, because that may wipe out the blessing.

–Solution: Instead of spending over $10,000 over one ceremony, what you can do is reduce the pressure on yourself , your family and your husband. I’m very sure nobody has that kind of money when they are just starting life. Either they end up borrowing from their family or take haram loans. To prevent pressures of any sort which turn into major burdens later on, please cut down on the money you wish to spend for example:

  • you’re not a princess of Paradise, so please cut down on your wedding dress cost if you absolutely have to get one specially designed for you.
    • Please ensure YOUR DRESS IS HALAL by reading the following fatawaa: 1, 2, 3
  • make sure that the dress does not trail (research on the Prophet’s hadith on this one)
  • don’t wear a dress in which you won’t be able to pray or do wudhu comfortably (because a wedding day = several hours of occupied time)
  • make sure your husband doesn’t wear anything remotely associated with silk or gold
  • make sure your husband prays on his wedding day by sending out Mahram spies to ensure that(yes I mean it)
  • the wedding hall that you booked…erm do you really need to have to ‘dress’ the stage now?!!!

4.Photography/Video-taping

Problem: everything!

–Solution and Islamic Verdict: read this and AVOID it. I have a philosophy regarding photography. Maybe I’ll share it some other time inshaa’Allah.

5. Gifts

–Problem: Nowadays people have some very amusing statements on their wedding cards, ‘No Box gifts will be accepted.’ Obviously people do that so that they don’t have to carry all the gifts to their home, which is a headache. And usually the bride’s moving anyway, who’d take the truck of gifts with her, God knows. I find it amusing though because now the attendee has to look for other things they can gift the bride/groom with. It makes gift-shopping even more difficult because some people (me included) do not like to give cash as gifts. To me cash seems as if the person didn’t put their heart into the gift they are giving.

–Solution: Everyone has their own opinion but you can put another statement on your wedding card which makes everyone’s life easy. My two humble suggestions:

  • ‘Gifts over $12 will not be accepted. Chocolates are gifts too.’ [So now people don’t have to run around and get special gifts. One can get flowers and chocolates at max with that amount. Possibly also a CD of Islamic lecture as well. But that’s about IT.]
  • ‘We shall be collecting money for Sadaqah. Only cash accepted. No gifts will be accepted.’

6. Kuffar Imitation/Customs and Traditions

–Problem: exchanging of rings like the Kuffar, adoption of Hindu customs by Muslim Bengalis,  Indians and Pakistanis etc.

–Solution and Islamic Verdict: Read here what’s permissible and what’s impermissible

***

Things to remember:

  •  And give to the kinsman his due and to the Miskîn (poor) and to the wayfarer. But spend not wastefully (your wealth) in the manner of a spendthrift. (Tafsir. At-Tabarî) (26) Verily, spendthrifts are brothers of the Shayatîn (devils), and the Shaitân (Devil Satan) is ever ungrateful to his Lord. (27) [17:26-27]
  • Queen of Paradise, i.e. Fatima RA had a very modest wedding. You’re not even a queen of dunia, so why fool oneself into demanding a wedding like that? Modesty is the key.
  • Do not displease Allah SWT in the process of making others happy. It is like preferring other humans over Allah SWT, even if its your parents who push you to do anything against the religion.
  • Guard your obligations such as Salah on time.
  • Try to do much Istighfaar to prevent your new phase of life being burdened by previous unrepented sins.

***

Wedding of Fatima RA and Ali RA: Interesting Read on page 149 of the pdf onwards

And Allah SWT knows best.

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2 Responses to “It’s THAT time of the Year”

  1. I’m totally loving this post, subhanallah, I hope Allah swt grants us a wedding that encompasses such simplicity inshallah. I love the picture too! Its beautiful. I used to think that having a big wedding will be fun, but thinking about the stress it brings its not worth it and all that planning and preparation for a few wee hours, gosh. Its easy to fall into that trap though. Big weddings are big business and bride-zillas are everywhere! I also loved what you said about wearing something that is comfortable to do wudu in. Don’t think many people think about that at all, its the same on Eid, salah seems to just get forgetton about when if you stop and think about its the very reason we got to enjoy the blessings in the first place. We just got to pray hard for ourselves and everyone.

    Check this out, found this lastnight:

    Beautiful, if you needed any encouragement to get up in the night this is it!

    R. x

    • Asalamoalaykum warahmatullah,

      Inshaa’Allah…with simplicity to achieve max blessings in a manner pleasing to Him.Ameen.

      I think I’ll be updating this post because I’ve forgotten to address the Dowry issue. The dowry that the woman’s family gifts the man instead of the other way around. What a joke. Also, the ‘honeymoon’ tradition of non-Muslims. God, there’s so much haram involved in our weddings. I wonder how can I do Dawa’h to all whom I know. Should make lots of duaa.

      I think everyone would like a grand Princess-like wedding but I guess that’s the Nafs pushing us in the wrong direction. I have a feeling whether the wedding’s at a bigger scale or smaller, there’s still some amount of stress involved but you’re right about the prep. and the planning. Don’t forget though, a Walima is still supposed to be done so some Halal-degree of prep. and planning may be required for that such as ensuring you have all the guests in your guest-list and so on.

      Hehe. Bride-zillas! Imagine family-zillas. I’ve experienced brides not doing much, it’s the poor family whose members end up frustrated.

      Oh you’re so right about ‘Eid. Also, funny thing is that with ensuring that you’re able to do Wudhu, one will have to make sure that water seeps through the layers of make-up that’s brides put on their faces…that’s an interesting thought. I wonder how one could safely ensure that assuming they want to put on make-up AND be able to do Wudhu. Hmm.

      Anyway, I’m almost too allergic to weddings now so no weddings for me anymore unless they are strictly done in the Masjid. Attending such things is not only a waste of one’s effort but also a waste of time.

      Hey thanks for the links you’ve been sharing. I believe you’ve shared this one before :) But JazakiAllahu khayran nonetheless. Always a pleasure to be able to interact with you and share thoughts with you as well.

      Many duaas for your success.

      Love,
      -UmmS.
      P.S. Don’t forget to invite me to your wedding. I wouldn’t mind attending yours inshaa’Allah :)

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