Aging

Asalamoalaykum warahmatullah,

The past few weeks have accelerated my mental aging. I feel 10+ years older than I was in Ramadan. As light-hearted as I am, it’s hard for me to remain interested in serious conversations with my peers.

I just end up feeling that they’re engaged in trivial talks.

It doesn’t matter who does what. It doesn’t matter how you curl your hair or what’s the best way to lose/gain weight. It doesn’t even matter which course is the easiest to take at university. And I am sick and tired of hearing useless ‘dreamy’ talks about getting married.  Unlike what other people think, I don’t like to live a life of an escapist. Just because I’m sensitive and like to write (instead of blabbering) doesn’t mean I’m a dreamer. Alhamdolilah I’m well grounded when it comes to life.

There are a lot of interesting things that matter in this world:

Like what Ibn al Qayyim said on sins? Like how Surah Al Fatihah and the last 2 Surahs of the Quran are linguistically correlated? Like what is the stronger opinion for Hijrah? Like whether magnetic bacteria align according to the Qiblah? Like how there are signs for us in bacterial growth about first to develop tolerance and then resistance. SubhanAllah! There’s so much more to think about and so many fascinating things out there which one can talk about and remember Allah SWT with. It is not our business to try to guesstimate where Imam Mahdi’s going to come from and where his wife would be from. It is not our business to find out how Jinns live. There’s a reasoning as to why some information is hidden.

Maybe I’ve lost it.

I don’t know whether I gained anything except age then. I was trying to ‘repent’ really but I have lost a lot of things in the process. A little too much of my strenght and dignity, much of  my direction and focus. Some people think that I am not content with my Qadr. It’s actually very insulting when anyone says that. I am just desperate for Hidaya and so terribly confused.

It’s that feverish feeling that you have when you can’t seem to understand what’s happening around you. You know what you want but you have no means of being able to adopt that lifestyle. I thank Allah SWT for this test because I seem to understand myself better than before…I understand the lack of value of this dunia. I understand that every creation of His has its flaws and it is only He you can turn your hopes to with confidence.

I met a Chinese girl (around 4 years old) last Friday when I was in bus. She was in her stroller, facing her mom and she looked exactly like a little doll, with rosy pink cheeks and her cute hairstyle. She was constantly snatching her mom’s hand and kissing it and was saying ‘Mama’, seeking her mom’s attention. Her mom was busy with her own reading. And then this little kid started eating crackers and the way her lips moved was so hilarious. I was sitting a seat behind her mom and the bus was almost empty. I started imitating the little kid and she started laughing so hard and forgot about her mom…who’s attention she had been trying to seek all this while. I laughed too. It was a very light-hearted moment.  This whole incident must be something not very exciting but it was a moment from which I learned a lot.

To Allah SWT belongs the greatest example which befits His Majesty.

But I feel that’s how we are like as Muslims. We seek Allah SWT’s attention all the time and as soon as someone comes along or some opportunity, we forget about Him SWT. It’s very easy for us to deviate and by giving us one test after the other, He SWT keeps us connected. It’s like He telling us that ‘I want you to remember Me dear slave!’ It’s as if we are so special and worthy of being given the opportunity to remember Him. It’s how He SWT expresses His Love for us. We just need to clear our head from the accumulated fog of doubts and try hard to see the beautiful view. It is actually really green and not dark like how people’s attitudes paint it for you.

So the Umrah registrations have closed for people living in the West. Not that I had any chances with what my humanly sight can see but it’s nice to have that window of hope. Inshaa’Allah soon. Allah SWT has a time for everything.

Afterall the main purpose of each and every act of ours is to glorify Him and if we were really doing something to come closer to Him and we don’t achieve it, then we shouldn’t focus on what we didn’t get. Maybe not getting it will make us closer to Him than actually getting it. And Allah SWT knows best.

Speaking of aging, our Qabeelah has aged very gracefully. Precious Provisions by Sh. Yasir Qadhi is coming to town by January inshaa’Allah during my holidays. So nothing can stop me from taking it alhamdolilah. Sh. Yasir Qadhi is by far the most eloquent speakers and I hope to learn enough Fiqh from him to be able to live at peace in a country full of haram.

My only source of organized Noor (guidance) besides the small halaqas is Al Maghrib Institute. May Allah SWT bless our Qabeelah. Just exactly one year ago this video was made…and I get an Eeman rush from it everytime because I have witnessed the Mercy of Allah SWT as soon as I moved here. Mashaa’Allah la quwata illabillah. He SWT provides from sources we can never ever EVER imagine. Walilahil-Hamd!

May Allah SWT make us all from the Mohsineen.Ameen.

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