Finding Your Other Half: Top Tips and Mistakes to Avoid for the Practising Muslimah

It is a liberating feeling when you realize that finally your priorities are set in the right direction. Also the fact that the Creator who brought you to this world knows you and your circumstances and the struggle you’ve been going through. And that He SWT is going to reward you for every step you took shirking away from the footsteps of Shaytan. It’s extremely difficult but He SWT Knows.

Alhamdolilah for being blessed with Islam and alhamdolilah for the hidaya He SWT has blessed me with although I’m in need of infinitely more of it.

I attended a fantabulous online event that is mainly about this topic. May Allah SWT reward the sister who has made helping sisters out in this area a mission of her life.Ameen.

Well I attended it because the whole issue’s getting hyped up around me and with countless balls being thrown at me in the form of emotional struggles, I really need to remain focused and know how to bounce them back. Knowledge of Islam is the biggest provision one needs when one’s emotions rob you of Eeman. And I very strongly believe that Muslimahs need to built a ‘super-everything proof’ shield around themselves so that the daily emotional struggles that they’re bombarded with in the form of societal pressures or just self-made pressures, don’t affect their Eeman. The strength can only come from within. And I remember an excellent saying of a scholar once which I quoted several times before as well which is as follows:

‘Your spouse is not a physical solution to your spiritual problems.’

That says enough. And honestly with the mad-race that mimics the kind of back-stabbing in Kuffar ladies, I want to take this opportunity to make all the single sisters (including myself) recall that their purpose in life is not…to get married. Your purpose is to become the most obedient slave of Allah SWT. So even if in the process of your life, you don’t get married…don’t get frustrated! This is Qadr and know that Allah SWT has designed different ways and paths for each one of us to enter Jannah. The patience you hold onto in this path might land you as one of the most righteous ladies on earth. And even if you die single, you’ll have a pure partner in Jannah! It’s a matter of aligning your focus correctly. Please do not let Shaytan make you fear loneliness because there are tons of Muslim ladies who are married but lonely. And there tons of Muslimahs who are single yet leading a very fulfilling and content life. It’s upto you to take action be educated about the whole thing.

I have taken notes regarding all the questions and I’m not posting them here because they’re specifically for sisters. I’ll post the questions that were asked and if you need a specific answer, please don’t hesitate to comment and I’ll send you the answer or feel free to listen to the recording yourself inshaa’Allah! :)

So some of the questions that were answered were:

  • If marriage is part of our Qadr then why do we even pursue a potential spouse? Isn’t it just going to happen if it were meant to? Why is training or asking questions regarding it necessary then?
  • Sometimes I don’t know whether I’m being picky as to how righteous I want my Mr. Right to be. How do I know if I’m being too demanding? When brothers propose to me, I try to find their names on facebook and check their profile. These brothers are righteous and I hear good things about them and when I find them on fb, their profiles are mostly good. BUT, I always see one or two things that disturb me. Some examples may be: (a) having girls in their friends list when I understand that they may be old classmates but I follow ‘no-boy’ policy on my fb account. I want my spouse to be the same. (b) seeing a picture of a brother in an MSA gathering or someone’s house for iftaar and the gathering’s mixed even though the particular brother had a picture with boys, it’s just that I don’t attend mix gatherings and I wouldn’t want my future children to and I hope my husband wouldn’t want to either. How do I deal with such a problem?
  • If you’re career wise competent, accomplished and well educated, there seem to be hardly any mature men out there who want to ‘risk’ getting married to you. I’m 30 and learning and I need advice.
  • If I meet someone on a matrimonial website, they’re usually from another country. How can I get to know the real them right away if all our interactions are online based esp. since it’s not easy for a person to travel from one country to another and even if you want to, it can take months and months so what’s the deal?
  • Is it wrong to expect from your partner to help you in the current problem you’re having? Are we expected to solve all our problems ourselves, emotional in my case or is it OK to hope that the partner will help you solve it? In my case, I’ve made a lot of improvements on my own and I’m happy as a person but I’m kind of stagnant now mentally waiting for a relationship to help me further.
  • Will my relationship mirror the relationship my parents have? I’m afraid of having a relationship like them in which my mom is completely controlling and dominant. I come from a family with little physical expression of love and I think I’m stalling marriage thinking that I won’t be good enough as a wife. Time is running out and I’m beginning to panic. How do I get over this?
  • How do I start a future with someone when I have a past? I am somewhat a revert and I regretfully committed Zina in the past. Alhamdolilah I’ve repented and have come a long way from there. Now that I’m reaching my 30’s, I don’t know whether I’d be able to find a righteous understanding, forgiving man who will accept me for who I am now. My concern is that I don’t want to start a marriage with a lie esp. if he asks me directly whether I’ve been with a man before. I know in Islam, women don’t have to tell but I feel like I’d be lying if I don’t tell and someday if he finds out about my past in future, how would I tell him and deal with such a situation?
  • What things should I compromise on and what things I shouldn’t compromise on when I’m dealing with a potential suitor?

…and MUCH More!

Again, please do listen to the recording if you’re a sister who’s looking to get married(or even if you’re not, the knowledge helps) or are married (you could give others advice). It’s a 100% halal advice from a trustworthy Life Coach, whom I’ve become very fond of because of her very Islamic,honest and friendly style in approaching such issues.

And if you’re a brother, please forward it to your own sisters inshaa’Allah or listen it yourself and get the feel of the ‘struggle’ Muslimahs have to go through to actually find righteous brothers in modern day society and probably you can pass on the message to other brothers looking to get married.

The weblink is: http://attendthisevent.com/?eventid=15156192%20

If you’re interested in benefitting from more of her advices, you can go to the following two links:

http://www.practimate.com/FindYourMrRight/Blog/

http://findyourmrright.com/blog/

I may want to follow the Sunnah of Khadija RA when needed and I ask all sisters to become proactive but in a halal manner. Tawakul is not complete without tying the camel. You have to take action even if it may seem overwhelming to get out of your comfort zone in the beginning. You have to trust Allah SWT that He’s going to bless you and reward you for every step you take.

So don’t let the culture stop you!

Islam liberates you and now be merciful enough and liberate yourself as well!

May Allah SWT help us find those who will help us in our deen and eventually be a means for us to fulfil our religious aspirations, give rise to a stronger generation of Muslims and attain Jannatul Firdaus.Ameen.

And Allah SWT knows best.

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